Spin pins. I found them. After searching the shelves of over ten (yes, ten) different stores, I finally was able to locate two packs at a CVS next to the Huntersville Hospital.
Image from Goody
And guess what? They really work! The corkscrew shape is supposed to be equivalent to using twenty bobby pins in your hair, and I think it is so! I had to use four pins to hold up a curled bun, but with shorter, thinner, or straight hair, two would probably do it. Good luck finding them – it’ll be worth it!